An Unexpected Journey

IBC SURVIVOR – MY STORY

Seclusion December 23, 2011

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Surprise!  I’m actually posting. ha ha  I know it seems like I have dropped off the face of the earth, because I haven’t posted in so long.  I tend to withdrawal when I’m not feeling well about myself.  Most people post happy, I’m-on-top-of-the-world type blog entries and in my world…that doesn’t happen often.

My sleeping schedule has changed because my hubby works nights and sleeps days.  Then my son of course is on a regular schedule.  I have to take care of him too.  My body has finally picked the night schedule, so when I’m up during the day I am sleepy…and grumpy.  This does not fit a healthy lifestyle.  I eat late and have ceased exercising.  Thus the pounds have packed on profusely.  I no longer need to lose a few pounds.  I need to lose weight equal to my 11 year old boy’s total weight or more!  I felt like crying at my last weighing at the doctor’s office.

I try not to think about how bad I look.  When I am at home it is a lot easier.  I enjoy life and the time with son.  It’s when I have to go out into the world that I struggle most.  Trying to find something to wear that makes me look good is impossible.  Too many bulges.  Who is that fat woman in the mirror?  Why does everyone else look so thin and beautiful?

And I have noticed that people don’t often look at me the same.  A few times this month I sat in a school or church setting and watched people move around me talking.  Then they do a oh-I didn’t-see-you-there look and say hello.  Makes me wish I could just stay invisible.

On the bright side, I am enjoying Christmas break with my son.  He is so sweet spirited and fun to be with.  I realize these years of his childhood are precious and I love every minute of it.  I am blessed to be alive, so that I can be here for him.  Thank you Jesus!